Weezer's "White Album" - 2 Reviews, 2 Opinions

The White Album by Weezer, released 4/1/2016

We're at it again, folks. Here's my review, immediately followed by B. Gutierrez's. This album's been getting a whole heck of a lot of praise. How do we feel about it? Read our track-by-track analyses to find out!

B. Perry
1.) California Kids: As far as intros go, this one's okay. I like how the beach-soundscape blends with the Pinktertonesque arrangement at the start; but after that, it kinda just feels like filler.
2.) Wind in Our Sail: While the melody for the verses is pretty awkward, the fist-pumping chorus is awesome. Because of that, this tune is anthemic, optimistic, and barrels of brazen fun.
3.) Thank God for Girls: It's unsurprising that this is the album's most successful single - it's catchy, unique, and decidedly un-Weezer. But it has all the subtlety of a sledgehammer, and although I'm tapping my toes, I'm neither musically nor emotionally invested.
4.) (Girl We Got A) Good Thing: This song is rather lovely. It's sunny, has a neat little guitar solo, and the glam-rock bridge comes out of nowhere and hits all the right notes.
5.) Do You Wanna Get High?: I'm less than fond of Rivers' drug ballads, so I don't really dig this one. The slimy groove is much appreciated, but everything else is blah. 
6.) King of the World: Yeah, I'm a big fan of this one. From the humongous guitars to the pounding drums, from the bouncy bass to the adorable lyrics, this tune has it all. 
7.) Summer Elaine and Drunk Dori: Pretty forgettable, but not bad. Although well-executed, it's flavorless and uninspired.
8.) L.A. Girlz: With its drunken shuffle and throwback hook, this is probably the Weezeriest tune on the album. And while it echoes back to great songs like "Dreamin'" and "Holiday," it's nowhere near as engaging.
9.) Jacked Up: I don't know why I like this, but I do. It's groovy, fresh, and flirtatious (and the melancholic chorus, in which Rivers asks repeatedly, "Oh why, why, why do my flowers always die?" is fantastic).
10.) Endless Bummer: I've always been a stickler for a great closer, and usually Weezer delivers. And here? They do just fine. Although not as emotionally resonant as "Butterfly" or "Time Flies," and not as musically fascinating as "The Angel and The One" or "The Futurescope Trilogy," it nonetheless does its job. "Endless Bummer" finishes the album with catchy melancholia, which is a niche Weezer fills nicely.

At the end of this review, I'm finishing up my fifth listen-through of The White Album. And I gotta admit, it ain't bad. But is it good? Objectively, sure. The hooks are nice, the production is adequate, and the California beach-vibe is charming. But after the fading of Weezer's fiery glory days, this feels like a retread. Granted, it's well done, but a retread, nonetheless. Not as interesting as their bad stuff, not as terrific as their good stuff, this falls somewhere in the middle. White is the color of purgatory, which makes sense here. This is the musical equivalent of lukewarm water. So unless you're high and dry, there's a whole world of more appealing alternatives. 

Weezer's Discography (Perry's ranked order): "The Only Order that Makes Sense"
10.) Make Believe 
9.) Weezer (Green Album)
8.) Raditude
7.) Weezer (Red Album)
6.) Weezer (White Album)
5.) Hurley
4.) Maladroit
3.) Everything Will Be Alright in the End
2.) Pinkerton
1.) Weezer (Blue Album)

B. Gutierrez
1.) California Kids: I dig the ambient intro, and the chorus isn’t bad. Overall though, it kind of strikes me as low-energy and just going through the motions. I swear Rivers just sounds straight up bored at points during this song (and whole album).
2.) Wind in Our Sail: I know it’s a firmly rooted in Weezer history, so I guess I can’t really fault them for keeping it up, but I’m pretty over the shoe-horned nerd similes. I appreciated the “exploration” theme of the song, aside from it being beaten over my head again and again for 3 minutes.
3.) Thank God for Girls: I don’t even know where to start with this one. Not one clue. I think if I could pinpoint one thing that has really soured me on Weezer over the years, it’s songs like this that just straight up seem like throwing lyrics at a wall and seeing what sticks. I’d like to think at least there’s a mildly interesting take on gender dynamics here, but then again Rivers might just really love cannoli. I lost my ear for his sincerity years ago.
4.) (Girl We Got A) Good Thing: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… Well, I like that little solo at least. That’s something. Yeah.
5.) Do You Wanna Get High?: I’m alright with this song. Lyrically, it’s a little bit of a bummer, but allegedly based on real substance abuse, so that’s cool? I respect a little edginess from decidedly over-the-hill, boring Weezer.
6.) King of the World: Alright, I wasn’t prepared to run into this situation, but I legitimately LIKE this song. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I mentioned never being able to pin down the sincerity in River’s writing since about Red album. Since then, I just assume almost every song is either sarcasm, pandering or some combination of the two. Even before I read up on it more, I was shocked with how genuine this one felt. I could actually just relax and connect with this one, instead of questioning the view of what I was listening to. I dig that. I didn’t think it was possible with Weezer these days. On a related note, check this out. Is this not officially the most adorable song ever now?
7.) Summer Elaine and Drunk Dori: I don’t need a 45 year-old married father singing me songs about being insecure with women. I’m pretty positive this was a sticking point for me in one of the last few reviews as well. It hasn’t changed. At least this one seems to be written as more of a retrospective, which I appreciate. Another fun small solo though!
8.) L.A. Girlz: Another pretty average song with an enjoyable solo. It’s a full-blown pattern now. You know what’s dreadful though? That bridge. Bleh.
9.) Jacked Up: The best thing about this song is that I believe I could competently play piano on it. That should probably say everything you need to know about its quality. 
10.) Endless Bummer: That's a damn good title. Aside from that, see "California Kids." Which is fair, because the parallel boringness of the two tracks is another way to tie the whole thing together. Symmetry! Beautiful.

Weezer's Discography (Gutierrez's ranked order): "The Official Definitive Weezer Top 10"
10.) Hurley
9.) Everything Will Be Alright in the End
8.) Make Believe
7.) Weezer (White Album)
6.) Raditude
5.) Weezer (Red Album)
4.) Weezer (Green Album)
3.) Maladroit
2.) Pinkerton
1.) Weezer (Blue Album)