50 Fantastic Foreign Language Films

Being a fan of foreign film can be difficult. Where do you find them? Who can you discuss them with? It can certainly be a headache. But once you've found a particularly deep well (Netflix, Hulu, YouTube, wherever), bleed it dry. Foreign language flicks are fascinating - showcasing different cultures, different struggles, and different stories. Many, too, are simply essential viewing.

These are not the 50 best foreign language films - just 50 that I've seen, and think a wide, English-speaking audience might appreciate. There are plenty of amazing movies out there that are not on this list, and a few too many countries not represented here. But oh well - this list was hard enough to compile. I guess I'll save them for later. For now? Seek these out, give them a watch, and enjoy!

1920's
- The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920 - Germany)
- Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror (1922 - Germany)
- The Battleship Potemkin (1925 - Soviet Union)
- A Page of Madness (1926 - Japan)
- Metropolis (1927 - Germany)
- The Passion of Joan of Arc (1928 - France)

1930's
- M (1931 - Germany)
- The Goddess (1934 - China)
- Osaka Elegy (1936 - Japan)

1940's 
- Rome Open City (1945 - Italy)
- Beauty and the Beast (1946 - France)
- Bicycle Thieves (1948 - Italy)

1950's
- Rashomon (1950 - Japan)
- Seven Samurai (1954 - Japan)
- The Red Balloon (1956 - France)
- The Seventh Seal (1957 - Sweden)

1960's
- Devi (1960 - India) 
- Eyes Without A Face (1960 - France/Italy)
- Black Sabbath (1963 - Italy/France)
- At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul (1964 - Brazil)
- Persona (1966 - Sweden)
- Belle de Jour (1967 - France/Italy)

1970's
- The Conformist (1970 - Italy/France)
- Enter the Dragon (1973 - Hong Kong)
- Lady Snowblood (1973 - Japan)
- Operation Thunderbolt (1977 - Israel)

1980's
- Ran (1985 - Japan)
- Babette's Feast (1987 - Denmark)
- Akira (1988 - Japan)
- The Vanishing (1988 - Netherlands/France)

1990's
- Three Colors: Blue (1993 - France/Poland)
- Rumble in the Bronx (1995 - Hong Kong)
- Run Lola Run (1998 - Germany)
- Audition (1999 - Japan)

2000's
- Battle Royale (2000 - Japan)
- Oldboy (2003 - South Korea)
- Downfall (2004 - Germany/Italy)
- The Host (2006 - South Korea)
- Pan's Labyrinth (2006 - Spain/Mexico)
- Persepolis (2007 - Iran/France)
- [REC] (2007 - Spain)
- The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (2009 - Sweden)

2010's 
- I Saw the Devil (2011 - South Korea)
- The Raid: Redemption (2011 - Indonesia)
- Big Bad Wolves (2013 - Israel)
- Hard to Get (2014 - South Africa)
- Theeb (2014 - Jordan)
- A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2015 - US)
- Desierto (2015 - Mexico)
- Goodnight Mommy (2015 - Germany)

10 Riveting Reads - CRIME/THRILLER

Here's the first in a new series I'm starting, called 10 Riveting Reads. I'm going to try and publish an entry whenever I can, and it'll be organized by genre. Basically, they'll just be 10 great books in a certain genre. That's it. Today's genre? Crime and thrillers. Good stuff. Read and enjoy!

- American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis: Wowzers. We're really starting out strong here, aren't we? Well, we better get to it. American Psycho is a gnarly read, full of some of the most grotesque descriptions of torture and murder I've ever read, but it's (somehow) a classic. Ellis does an excellent job fleshing out (pun intended) his protagonist - the vicious and self-obsessed Patrick Bateman. And while this is far from a "fun" read, it's imbued with a pretty scorching indictment of 80's pop culture, and the ending is simply divine. It's a sinister satire, alright. One of the best.

- In the Lake of the Woods by Tim O'Brien: In the days before Gone Girl, this 1994 missing-person thriller was less of a murder mystery, and more of an intense character study. It focuses on a man whose wife disappears, and the book not only plumbs the depths of his war-addled psyche, but also gives several different firsthand accounts of what may have happened to the victim (if, indeed, she even is one). The prose is immaculate, and the concept is very intriguing. Trust me - it's well worth your time and attention.

- Monster by Walter Dean Myers: I read this book for the first time in the 7th grade, and have reread it another 3 times since. Myers has a knack for writing realistic characters, and here, we watch as 16-year-old Steve Harmon stands trial for murder. And while the characterization is spectacular, the best part of this book is its inventive storytelling: bouncing back and forth between Harmon's journal entries while in prison, and also a screenplay he's writing about his experiences. This juxtaposition is fascinating, and really offers some wonderful insight into the mind of this character, and of a disenfranchised urban upbringing. Check this one out.

- Mr. Mercedes / Finders Keepers / End of Watch (the Bill Hodges trilogy) by Stephen King: Man oh man, is this a terrific trilogy. It starts wandering into some pretty wacky stuff in the third installment (End of Watch, while good, is easily my least favorite entry in the series), but this gritty crime saga follows Det. Bill Hodges on his quest to hunt down the bad guys, each one more fiendish than the last. The first is about a lunatic who mows down a crowd of people at a job fair. The second centers on a failed intellectual on a murderous prowl for lost manuscripts. And the third is...well, it just is. This is King at his quickest and most cunning, delivering a bare-bones narrative with a host of fascinating characters. All in all, this trilogy stands with It, Hearts in Atlantis, and 11/22/63 as some of King's strongest outings. Of the 3, my favorite is Finders Keepers, which really crackles, and has one of the most evocative climaxes to a King novel I've ever read.

- Red Dragon by Thomas Harris: Although too many folks ignore this book in favor of its much more successful sequel (The Silence of the Lambs), and many others remember it as a decent horror-blockbuster starring Edward Norton, this original novel from 1981 is terrific. It's a book that I read over a decade ago, and can still recall specific scenes like I read them yesterday. The characters are marvelous, particularly the horrific "Tooth Fairy" killer. Clocking in at almost 500 pages, you might think this would be a chore to get through. But believe me: these are 500 of the quickest-paced pages you'll ever read. It's a great summer-on-the-beach book, with a third act twist that makes it truly fantastic. And while the sequels and adaptations are okay, this original horror-thriller is the best.

- Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn: "My sweater was new, stinging red and ugly." So begins Gillian Flynn's wicked debut novel about murdered children and self-mutilation. Like its name suggests, this is a book you should handle with care. Its prose is coiled and jagged, like razor wire, and will absolutely cut you if you're not paying close enough attention. Honestly, her other two novels are also great - Dark Places and Gone Girl are practically required reading now that Flynn's star is on the rise - but Sharp Objects might be her most impressive outing so far. Fresh, fearless, and embarrassingly addictive. Of all the books you'll find here, this is the one that is the most realistically crafted and expertly delivered. For fans of the genre, it's a must-read.

- Starr Bright Will be With You Soon by Joyce Carol Oates, writing as Rosamond Smith: Goodness gracious. Leave it to Joyce Carol Oates to pen one of the heaviest, craziest thrillers of the last thirty years. I mean, this thing is rough. She's one of our best living novelists (read Little Bird of Heaven if you don't believe me), and with this one, she makes full use of her many trademark talents: unreliable characters, unsettling social commentary, and voracious violence. It's a bit of a slow-starter, and the first twenty pages will take some settling into, but once you're in the thick of it? Don't expect to put this sucker down. This is literary fiction with a commercial bent, so be ready for big moments and even bigger ideas.

- To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee: I mean, honestly, I'm not even going to really write about this one. It's a classic, and should be essential reading to every human being on the planet. Yes, the film adaptation is terrific too, but you need to devote some time to chew through this literary marvel. It's definitely in my top ten all-time favorites, and it's undoubtedly one of the best books ever written. So...yeah. It's pretty darn important. Read this, then check out the movie, and then end by reading the sequel Go Set A Watchman - it's not as good as the original, but it's still mighty impressive and thematically resonant. So, in summary? READ. THIS. BOOK.

15 Best Movie Trilogies

There's something special about a trilogy of movies, am I right? Although plenty of trilogies have failed (Iron Man, The Matrix, and the Star Wars prequels, to name a few), others have succeeded. Fantastically, too. So here are, in my opinion, the 15 best. Read this list, hunt down these movies, and have yourself a marathon! Have 15 marathons!

*Special Note: I'm undeniably going to get some flack for this list, as I've elected to choose a few franchises that have over 3 entries, but I'm ignoring the superfluous duds as I see fit. What I'm doing with this list is trying to create an awesome viewing experience. I'm trimming the fat a little - playing judge, jury, and executioner. So skip the inferior sequels, and stick with the 3-act masterpieces I'm suggesting. Trust me. You'll be happy you did.

15.) Frankenstein: Although the Universal machine of the 30's, 40's, and 50's spat out a whole host of monster movies, the flicks about Frankenstein and his abominable creation are the cream of the crop. And of all those movies, the first 3 - in which actor Boris Karloff plays the creature - are best of all. The 1st, Frankenstein, is a must-watch for any lover of classic cinema. The 2nd, The Bride of Frankenstein, is surprisingly deep, and has some of the silver screen's best horror moments. The 3rd, Son of Frankenstein, lacks the depth of its predecessors, but more than makes up for it with fun action and a scene-stealing performance by Dracula star Bela Lugosi. Together, these movies form a trilogy of fantastic fright.

14.) Toy Story: They're fun, they're innovative, but most of all? They're genuinely touching. Yes, this popular children's franchise may just be Disney/Pixar's crowning achievement. I was a kid when the first one came out, and it blew me away - the animation, the characters, the everything. Even more impressive, though? With each entry, the series gets better. The 2nd is tons of fun. And the 3rd? Wow. Be ready to cry. Together, they form a trilogy of heart and humor.

13.) The Hunger Games: Alright, this one requires a bit of cheating. Although the 3rd installment is technically split into 2 films, they fit so snugly together (and share the same title, for Christ's sake), that I'm counting them as one movie. Just hear me out: This series, based on the brilliant novels by Suzanne Collins, is incredible. The 1st, The Hunger Games, is like viewing a Pollack through a pinhole. What I mean is, you only see a fraction of a fully-realized dystopian future, following two kids fight to survive a vicious tournament. The 2nd movie, Catching Fire, broadens the scope, and ramps up the thrills. The 3rd, Mockingjay, is a sprawling story of war, love, and revenge. Together, they form a trilogy of apocalyptic action.

12.) Captain America: Honestly, I didn't think these 3 movies would be as terrific as they actually are. But Marvel has really done Cap the justice he deserves, and I'm certainly grateful for it. The 1st installment, The First Avenger, is silly popcorn fun with a heart of gold. The 2nd, The Winter Soldier, is a paranoid political thriller on steroids. The 3rd, Civil War, is a chess-match of betrayal and intrigue, with heroes fighting heroes and some of the most satisfying action sequences in recent memory. Together, they form a trilogy of guts, gusto, and glory.

11.) James Bond: Okay - yet again, I've got to bend the rules a bit. But I'm telling you, the first 3 times Daniel Craig played 007 are the best outings the super-spy ever had, and tell a brilliant story arc. Over the course of these movies, you get a perfect portrait of a very flawed character. The 1st, Casino Royale, is a real corker, full of sarcasm and sadism. The 2nd, Quantum of Solace, is better than everyone remembers - with a slithery villain and a fabulous finale. The 3rd, Skyfall, has the best Bond villain ever, and some truly haunting cinematography. Together, they form a trilogy of hefty, hedonistic heroism. (The 4th in the series, Spectre, is...fine. Consider it a bonus outing if you really want to.)

10.) Indiana Jones: If you're looking for fun, then look no further than Spielberg's homage to serialized cinema with this, the infamous Indiana Jones trilogy. The 1st, Raiders of the Lost Ark, is a great stand-alone action flick. The 2nd, Temple of Doom, is an outrageous pseudo-comedy. The 3rd, The Last Crusade, is my favorite, showcasing Indiana Jones's past and, as he rides off into the sunset, hopes for the future. Together, they form a trilogy of fabulous fun. (And yeah, I'm one of those people who actually enjoys the 4th movie in the franchise, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. If you enjoyed the first 3, there's little reason to hate the 4th.)

9.) The Dead: I'm pretty bummed that writer/director George Romero, the genius behind these 3 movies, has only recently passed away. However, I'm happy to still sing his praises. The so-called "Trilogy of the Dead" is groundbreaking horror at its most atmospheric, and also its most influential. The 1st, Night of the Living Dead, is a black-and-white masterpiece of classic chills. The 2nd, Dawn of the Dead, is scathing social satire soaked in buckets of blood. The 3rd, Day of the Dead, is a gore-fest with compelling characters and one of horror's most enduring zombies, named Bub. Together, they form a trilogy of insight and insanity. (The 4th entry, Land of the Dead, is great too. But after that? It goes off the rails quick. Steer clear.)

8.) Back to the Future: Goodness gracious, do I love these 3 movies. With iconic imagery, inventive storytelling, and a pair of characters you can't help but love, the Back to the Future films are, simply put, essential viewing. The 1st is a humble tale of time travel and traumatic romance. The 2nd is a twisty head-trip of past, present, and future. The 3rd is a throwback Western with more wackiness than it knows what to do with. Together, they form a trilogy of slick yet silly science-fiction.

7.) Planet of the Apes: I never, never expected these 3 films to be as terrific as they actually are. Yet this modern sci-fi trilogy is definitely the sharpest, smartest trilogy of this decade. Where the original series from the 60's and 70's was cheesy and perpetually goofy, the reboots are serious and, frankly, stunning. The 1st, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, is a painful watch, imbued with a dour melancholia that seeps into most scenes. But it's satisfying, and a compelling watch. The 2nd, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, has some of the best cinematography and special effects of the decade. The 3rd, War for the Planet of the Apes, is a gut-punch of pure catharsis. These 3 movies are superlative. Together, they form a trilogy of humility, humanity, and hope.

6.) Evil Dead: This one is a bit hard to explain, so honestly, I'm not even going to try. Just imagine 3 of the zaniest, bloodiest, funniest horror movies you can think of, and you'll still only be within shouting distance of Sam Raimi's Evil Dead movies. How great are they? Well, horror master Stephen King is a massive fan, and described the first film as "ferociously original." And they are all certainly that. The 1st is one the scariest, and most earnest, horror flicks of the 80's. It's also a clever homage to George Romero and Night of the Living Dead. The 2nd is an adrenaline shot straight to the heart, and my personal favorite of the bunch. The 3rd, called Army of Darkness, has some of the best one-liners in movie history, and cements protagonist Ash Williams in my mind as one of the coolest characters ever put to film. Together, they form a trilogy of campy, crazy carnage. (The remake/sequel from 2013 is also awesome, as is the sequel television series, Ash vs. Evil Dead.)

5.) The Dark Knight: Here it is, folks: the superhero trilogy to end all superhero trilogies. Thanks to Christopher Nolan, we get a series of Batman movies so pitch-perfect in every conceivable aspect that it makes all other incarnations of the character laughable. The 1st, Batman Begins, is the reboot that spawned a hundred others - it is gritty, somber, but undeniably entertaining. The 2nd, The Dark Knight, needs no introduction and no further adulation. Just understand that every ounce of praise that's been slathered all over it is completely valid. The 3rd, The Dark Knight Rises, is a big budget cacophony that ties all the thematic strands of the previous entries tightly and tautly together. Yes, these 3 movies are still the pinnacle of comic book storytelling on the big screen, rife with incredible performances, intense action sequences, and inventive special effects. Together, they form a trilogy of superb, sophisticated storytelling.

4.) The Godfather: It doesn't get much better than this, right? Here we have the sweeping 3-part epic about organized crime from writer/director Francis Ford Coppola. These movies have won countless awards, received reviews of incomparable praise, and are often considered to be some of the best films of all time. Well...are they? Yes! Why would you even ask that? The 1st is a thrilling character study. The 2nd is epic in every sense of the word - thematically, emotionally, historically, you name it. The 3rd, although oft-maligned, is still quite good, offering up an introspective epilogue on the story of Michael Corleone. Together, they form an intimate, intelligent, and infamous trilogy.

3.) The Lord of the Rings: I've never been a big fan of fantasy, let alone high fantasy, but here? It's too wonderful to deny, too inspiring and infectious to ignore. The Lord of the Rings is the larger-than-life quest to rid the world of evil, told from multiple viewpoints and across countless countries and generations. Each entry in the series was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Picture (among many others), and the final installment took home a whopping 11 Oscars. Impressive, yes, but also well deserved. The 1st film, The Fellowship of the Ring, is a bit meandering, but ultimately magnificent. The 2nd, The Two Towers, is a fascinating foray into adventure and the unknown. The 3rd, The Return of the King, is an over-the-top visual extravaganza, and holds some of the most poignant cinematic moments ever filmed. Together, they form a trilogy that is graceful yet grandiose. (For a real treat? Watch the extended editions. It's like watching 6 movies instead of 3. And the prequel trilogy, The Hobbit? It sure has its moments, but is best avoided.)

2.) Three Flavours Cornetto: What we have here is pure, unleaded awesomeness courtesy of writer/director Edgar Wright. These are 3 supremely satisfying movies, which perfectly balance wit, heart, and everything in between. They are classified as a "loose" trilogy, meaning the installments have no interlocking plots and characters, but share close similarities in other ways: they are built by the same production team, inhabited by the same actors, specific jokes and scenes appear in each film; and yes, who can forget Frost's cornetto leaving its grand impression on each one. However, this is the tightest "loose" trilogy I've ever seen. It's a kaleidoscope of interconnecting jokes, references, and archetypes. They fit snugly alongside one another, resonating like a major chord on a grand piano. There is no dissonance, no bum key - just pure harmony.

The 1st, Shaun of the Dead, is a snarky zombie kill-fest. The 2nd, Hot Fuzz, is the best buddy cop movie ever made. The 3rd, The World's End (my personal favorite), is about aliens and, more importantly, alienation. These three films make you laugh as well as lament, cringe but also cry. They are three of the best movies of the last twenty years, and have accomplished this not by conforming to rigid Hollywood archetypes but by transcending them - parodying the very films they celebrate, deepening our cultural consciousness by adding weight and emotion to the mundane. Together, they form a trilogy of considerable artistic and cinematic merit. 

1.) Star Wars: I've written these 3 films to death, so excuse me from writing another tome about this exquisite space-opera series. I even have a bit of fondness for the prequels (God help me), and the newest additions by Disney have been excellent. But honestly, it all boils down to these 3 movies: A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi. If you want to know my in-depth thoughts on these films, check out my detailed reviews. I'll link them here: for Hope, for Empire, and for Jedi. Just know that, together, they form the single greatest movie trilogy of all time. I cannot recommend them enough.

MST3k and the Art of Bad Cinema

I've always been a lover of movies. As a kid, I remember my dad sitting me down and flipping on Jaws, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and, most important of all, the original Star Wars trilogy - fun stuff with lots of heart and a crackling wit. These films were my bedrock, laying my foundation for knowing what good movies were supposed to be. I loved them with a kind of bewitched desperation, memorizing scenes and lines like the addict I was. Heck, I still do this. 

...but there's another aspect of cinema that I'm addicted to. Not just the gems, but the clumpy clods of dirt. Movies made with the best intentions, yet are undoubtedly, tragically, often hysterically bad. Stuff like Plan 9 from Outer Space, Manos: The Hands of Fate, and Time Chasers. Why did I love these loathsome losers? There's an easy answer to this: Mystery Science Theater 3000.

A shot from Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)

Every Saturday morning, my Dad insisted my brother and I do what he called a "quick run-through" of the house. Translation? Dust, vacuum, put away the dishes, and basically tidy up. My brother and I would get started around 9 in the morning, and hopefully be done before 11. We'd scramble from room to room, doing a supremely half-assed job, just to get done as soon as we could. Why? Because the Sci-Fi Channel showed episodes of MST3k all morning (at 8, 10, and 12, I think), and we wanted to watch as much of it as we could. The second we finished cleaning, I remember parking my butt in front of our old television in the basement, peanut-butter sandwich in hand, exhausted and excited, watching MST3k.

For the uninitiated, Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a TV show that ran for ten seasons, from 1988 to 1999. It hopped from network to network - the Sci-Fi Channel, Comedy Central, even a local Minneapolis/St. Paul station - and had a feature length theatrical movie in 1996 (aptly named Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie). It won a Peabody Award, was nominated for a couple Emmys, and is consistently ranked as one of the best cult TV shows ever made. A new season is set to hit Netflix tomorrow. 

...so...what is it?

Well, there's a whole campy science-fiction premise that I won't tell you about here (just pick a random episode and watch the opening credits - the song explains everything). But here's the meat and potatoes: Take a bad movie, play it in entirety, and let 3 hilarious dudes make fun of it the whole time. It's that simple. The dudes themselves are always a single human and 2 robot puppets. Yeah, it's weird, but it's unique and incredibly well-written. The robots are terrific: Tom Servo is sardonic and smart, while Crow T. Robot is an innocent reactionary. The humans are awesome, too, but whether you prefer the laid-back slow-burn of Joel or the quick quipping of Mike is inconsequential. The cast just works. Everything works. Exceptionally well, too.

But the show would be nothing without the movies themselves. And holy crap, they're amazing. But you know what I mean by that, right? They're "amazing" because they're steaming piles of garbage. Cinematic trainwrecks with mangled bodies still strewn about the wreckage. Foul, unholy abominations that claw up from the depths to feast upon your innards.

From left to right: Crow, Joel, Mike, and Tom Servo

They're bad.

As a kid, I found each of these flicks hilarious. It's all a bit mean-spirited, yes, but it's sooooo satisfying to watch. Actors with the dramatic range of a doorstop. Directors with all the style and finesse of a teenage TikToker. Screenplays utterly devoid of plot, and with dialogue about as authentic as that action-movie script your buddy wrote back in high school. And the special effects? What a treat. Rubber suits and fishing lines and bad puppeteers. It's classic.

Yep - that's the show in a nutshell. I spent a lot of my childhood watching terrible movies, often produced and released decades before I was even born. Tropes and clichés quickly became etched in my brain. Nonsensical plot? Check. Bad dubbing? Check. One-dimensional acting? Check. Stock footage? Check, check, and check. I loved it all, to the point where it rivaled my appreciation of good movies. Suddenly, I was analyzing Bride of the Monster as much as The Empire Strikes Back, and talking about Hobgoblins more than The Godfather. My ironic attachment to crap had somehow evolved into genuine affection. I didn't love these movies because of the MST3k jokes, although those were certainly highlights. I loved them because they were what they were: triumphantly, deliriously bad. Masterpieces of schlock.

A fan favorite episode: The Final Sacrifice

These movies taught me a lot, too. About how realistic characters should behave. About writing and pacing, and how to plot a coherent narrative. About special effects, and what looks authentic and what doesn't. They heightened my awareness of cinema, and how it should and should not be made. And best of all? They're funny. Oh God, they're fantastic. Perfect for Saturday mornings as a kid, giggling with my brother, trying not to choke on peanut butter sandwiches. Perfect, too, as an adult - sitting in my living room, next to my wife, marveling at the sublime stupidity of it all. 

Thank you, Mystery Science Theater 3000. For the laughs. For the love. And for the trash.

Below, you'll find two lists. The first presents to you my all-time favorite MST3k episodes. You'll be able to watch many of these on Netflix, and should be able to fill in any gaps thanks to YouTube and home media. (Keep in mind, I'm writing and releasing this list before the new season airs.) The second list? Just some of my favorite, non-MST3k movies, which happen to be delightfully nauseating. (I shied away from movies that are bad on purpose - i.e., Sharknado and the like.)

Check them out, folks. Enjoy all the marvelous crap that you can stomach! It'll be a real trip.

Top 10 Favorite MST3k Episodes
10.) Soultaker (1990)
9.) The Horrors of Spider Island (1960)
8.) The Creeping Terror (1964)
7.) Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (1983)  
6.) The Sidehackers (1969)
5.) The Final Sacrifice (1990)
4.) Mitchell (1975)
3.) Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues... (1985)
2.) Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
1.) Space Mutiny (1988)

Top 10 Favorite Non-MST3k Cinematic Trainwrecks
10.) Frankenstein Island (1981)
9.) Tales from the Hood (1995)
8.) The Happening (2008) 
7.) Nightmare at Noon (1988)
6.) Batman & Robin (1997)
5.) Star Wars (Episode II): Attack of the Clones (2002) 
4.) Kingdom of the Spiders (1977)
3.) The Room (2003)
2.) Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)
1.) La Bamba (1987)

The newest season of MST3k hits Netflix on April 14th.

Alternate Universe Oscars

I think the Academy Awards do a decent job of nominating deserving films and people, but there have still been dozens (hundreds?) of snubs over the years. This has become even more of an issue since about the year 2000, when the overall quality of movies began skyrocketing to what we have now. Think about it - every year, we get: a handful of "serious" Oscar contenders, a slew of summer blockbusters, and a sprinkling of critical darlings that make their rounds at film festivals. All this? Annually? It's crazy.

So, this list is going to be a fantasy Academy Awards for me. An "Alternate Universe Oscars," if you will. Here you'll find the "big" categories - Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Screenplay. (I've blended Original Screenplay and Adapted Screenplay together.) I've also modified the 4th and 5th categories to simply Best Performance based on gender, regardless of screen time (no "supporting" nonsense). I've assigned winners for each year since 2007, which was when I graduated from high school, and really became obsessed with movies. Sometimes, my winner might overlap with the Academy's. Often not, though.

Sound good? Don't care? Okay! Read and enjoy!

2007 
- Best Picture: Michael Clayton
- Best Director: Joel Coen and Ethan Coen - No Country for Old Men
- Best Screenplay: No Country for Old Men
- Best Female Performance: Tilda Swinton - Michael Clayton
- Best Male Performance: Daniel Day-Lewis - There Will Be Blood

2008 
- Best Picture: The Dark Knight
- Best Director: Christopher Nolan - The Dark Knight
- Best Screenplay: Frost/Nixon
- Best Female Performance: Taraji P. Henson - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
- Best Male Performance: Heath Ledger - The Dark Knight
* Honorable Mention: Robert Downey, Jr. - Tropic Thunder

2009 
- Best Picture: Inglourious Basterds
- Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow - The Hurt Locker
- Best Screenplay: Up
- Best Female Performance: Gabourey Sidibe - Precious
- Best Male Performance: Jeff Bridges - Crazy Heart

2010 
- Best Picture: The Fighter
- Best Director: Darren Aronofsky - Black Swan
- Best Screenplay: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
* Honorable Mention: The Social Network
- Best Female Performance: Melissa Leo - The Fighter
- Best Male Performance: Christian Bale - The Fighter

2011 
- Best Picture: Drive
- Best Director: Nicolas Winding Refn - Drive
- Best Screenplay: Midnight in Paris
- Best Female Performance: Meryl Streep - The Iron Lady
- Best Male Performance: Michael Shannon - Take Shelter

2012 
- Best Picture: Argo
- Best Director: Ben Affleck - Argo
- Best Screenplay: Lincoln
* Honorable Mention: The Cabin in the Woods
- Best Female Performance: Jennifer Lawrence - Silver Linings Playbook
- Best Male Performance: Christoph Waltz - Django Unchained

2013 
- Best Picture: Gravity
- Best Director: Alfonso Cuaron - Gravity
- Best Screenplay: The World's End
- Best Female Performance: Lupita Nyong'o - 12 Years A Slave
- Best Male Performance: Chiwetel Ejiofor - 12 Years A Slave

2014 
- Best Picture: Interstellar
- Best Director: Alejandro G. Inarritu - Birdman
* Honorable Mention: Bong Joon-ho - Snowpiercer
* Honorable Mention: Jennifer Kent - The Babadook
- Best Screenplay: Nightcrawler
- Best Female Performance: Rosamund Pike - Gone Girl
- Best Male Performance: Michael Keaton - Birdman

2015 
- Best Picture: Spotlight
- Best Director: F. Gary Gray - Straight Outta Compton
- Best Screenplay: Ex Machina
- Best Female Performance: Daisy Ridley - Star Wars: The Force Awakens
* Honorable Mention: Jennifer Jason Leigh - The Hateful Eight
- Best Male Performance: Sylvester Stallone - Creed
* Honorable Mention: Benicio del Toro - Sicario

2016 
- Best Picture: Hell or High Water
- Best Director: Damien Chazelle - La La Land
- Best Screenplay: The Witch
- Best Female Performance: Amy Adams - Arrival
- Best Male Performance: Anton Yelchin - Green Room

Top 15 Albums of 2016

Okay, okay, okay - I'm gonna be honest with you guys: I'm a little burned out on writing reviews right now. I just finished a massive, 5-part "100 Best Albums of All Time" list, and then I jumped right into the "Top Ten Films of 2016" list. All this, on top of the novel I've been writing, and the book I've been editing, means I'm positively pooped. (However, keep you eyes open for my short story collection called Strawberry Hill, available later this year by GenZ Publishing! Find it on Amazon and Barnes and Noble's website!)

So, submitted for you approval, is this very stripped-down overview of 2016's best albums. No reviews here. Just a simple, no-frills list. I hope it'll suffice for the time being! Note: Like my "100 Best Albums" list, I avoided classical and orchestral albums here. If I didn't? Well, then this would be a pretty one-sided list. So I stuck to the regular stuff - rock, jazz, soul, rap, folk, whatever. Read, listen, and enjoy!

(*Honorable Mentions: Holy Ghost - Modern Baseball, The Life of Pablo - Kanye West, Midwest Farmer's Daughter - Margo Price, Vibrant - Dreamshade, Weezer - Weezer)

15.) Apricity - Syd Arthur
14.) Emily's D+ Evolution - Esperanza Spalding
13.) Splendor & Misery - clipping
12.) Dori Freeman - Dori Freeman
11.) Death of a Bachelor - Panic! At the Disco
10.) Malibu - Anderson .Paak
9.) Hollow Bones - Rival Sons
8.) Folklore - Big Big Train
7.) case/lang/veirs - case/lang/veirs
6.) Passengers - Artifex Pereo
5.) The Getaway - Red Hot Chili Peppers
4.) In My Room - Jacob Collier
3.) Affinity - Haken
2.) Stranger Heads Prevail - Thank You Scientist
1.) Lemonade - Beyonce

Top 10 Films of 2016

(*Honorable Mentions: Captain America: Civil War, The Conjuring 2, Doctor Strange, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Hush, Jackie, Kubo and the Two Strings, Star Trek Beyond, Zootopia, 10 Cloverfield Lane)  

10.) Sully: Polished, nuanced, and wholly engaging, Sully is the kind of movie you'd expect to be good, but not this good. As usual, Tom Hanks puts in a career-defining performance as Captain Sullenberger, the man behind the "miracle on the Hudson." In the director's chair is Clint Eastwood, who has given us plenty of modern classics (Unforgiven, Mystic River, Million Dollar Baby), and here has crafted another. This is a poignant and polished film, expertly made and very, very effective.

9.) The Jungle Book: Okay, okay, okay - I know what you're thinking. Why is this movie on here? Well, truth be told, I'm not really certain. But I saw this movie with literally zero expectations, and was riveted from beginning to end. It's a shot of pure pathos - adventurous, invigorating, cathartic, triumphant. The story is all well and good, the acting is fine, the direction is solid, the special effects are spectacular...but those aren't the only reasons why this is a great movie. Perhaps chiefest of all, is just how goshdarn fun it is. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll gasp, and you'll sing along. Trust in me, and give it a go.

8.) Arrival: I'm a huge fan of modern sci-fi think pieces. Children of Men, Moon, and Ex Machina are just a few that come to mind. And now? Arrival can be added to this list. It's a fairly straightforward narrative, with a compelling plot and some serious ideas worth grappling with. Then the third act hits, and there's suddenly so much more to think about, to chew on, to digest. This is not a film of whiz-bang action, or bite-your-nails thrills. It's not even an eye-popping visual effects spectacle. Instead, this is a film of scratch-your-head, reexamine-your-life, what-does-it-all-mean? ponderance.

7.) Green Room: Man oh man, is this one a ride. I don't want to say too much and spoil the awesomeness, but just know that Sir Patrick Stewart plays a sadistic neo-nazi who wants the four members of a down-and-out punk band dead. What more do you need to know? Fair warning, though: this is not a flick for the faint of heart. It is a bloody, barbaric movie; one that finds its brilliance in brutality. However, if you can stomach all the insanity, then you get what you came for - an over-the-top exploitation thriller, one with brains and balls. 

6.) Don't Breathe: This is what happens when you take a simple, no-frills concept, and ramp it up to eleven. The writing is concise, the acting is brilliant, and the direction - full of lethal energy, driven to a cunning conclusion - is incredible. This isn't the best horror movie of the year, but it just might be the most re-watchable, the one you put on during October to get you in the Halloween spirit. The third act, though a little absurd, is a masterclass in cinematic suspense. Don't Breathe truly is what its title suggests - breathless.

5.) Manchester by the Sea: I don't think this is as transcendent a film as everyone else. It's overlong, the tragedy is practically Shakespearean in its excess, and all that opera music is pretty laughable. Regardless, Manchester by the Sea is a beautifully acted, wonderfully written character study. Casey Affleck is the epitome of understatement, and it fits perfectly with the narrative. The supporting players are also great, especially the young Lucas Hedges, who manages to be charming and sincere. All in all, this is one that'll be remembered, and is definitely a contender for Best Picture. Is it deserving? I believe so. This is the kind of thing that critics love, but that's not necessarily a detriment. It is unbearably sad, yet also, strangely, uplifting.

4.) Rogue One: A Star Wars Story: This is the first Star Wars flick in 36 years that dared audiences to abandon their preconceived notions of the genre - to embrace the tragic and the bold. I'm not saying this is a perfect film (it's pretty low on character development, and made some questionable choices with its computer effects), but when it works, it works very well. From a design standpoint, it is a marvel - the sets, the costumes, and the vehicles are all wonderful to gape at. The story is simple and efficient, its character beats coinciding with larger plot points. And the tone? Dismal, challenging, yet sprinkled with hope. This is the first movie in the series to emphasize the "war" in Star Wars, and poignantly expresses the nobility, the goodness, in sacrifice for the greater good. Although this movie is unlike the rest of its kin, it is nonetheless expertly made and loads of fun.

3.) La La Land: As a starry-eyed dreamer, one with silly delusions of being a successful writer, I found La La Land to be one of the most powerful films I've seen in a long time. It's a Hollywood musical (in more ways than one), and centers on a wannabe actress and a washed-up jazz pianist. Their story is told through sharp dialogue, imaginative cinematography, and some of the year's finest performances. Emma Stone will break your heart; Ryan Gosling will have you in hysterics. Yet, I'd be remiss in my duties if I reviewed a musical and didn't talk about the score. Luckily, thankfully, it is divine. The music is terrific, and does a great job balancing wonderment and introspection. And it's catchy, too. I saw it a few days ago, and I'm still whistling its main theme. City of stars, are you shining just for me...? If you've seen the movie, chances are you just heard that lovely little melody in your head. And if you're a dreamer like me, you felt it in your heart, too.

2.) The Witch: Some movies are scary because of individual scenes, or unexpected moments. Some are scary thanks to a particularly memorable villain, one with a hockey mask or razor-tipped gloves. Others are scary because of mood and atmosphere - rolling fog, a pale moon. And then there are films like The Witch that seem to take all these components, stitch them together like discomfited body parts stolen from a graveyard, and bring them to life simultaneously. It is a haunting film, beautiful in its ugliness, triumphant in its emphasis on human failings. It's not a horror flick that'll make you scream, but will definitely make you peer over your shoulder, wondering what's trailing behind you in the dark. The writing is lovely, with characters and moments almost sublime in their failings. And though the pace is slow, the finale is a plunge you won't soon forget. This is a true original, totally without peer in the cinema of today. It's a horror film for the ages.

1.) Hell or High Water: Way out there in the wilderness of American cinema - beyond the friendly terrain of summer blockbusters, yet a little inland of the murky waters of art house - are the high-grassed, sun-bleached fields of the modern Western. This is a hot, desolate area. Characters who wander through are either sleazy gunslingers, beer-swilling sheriffs, or blends of the two. Everybody is out to kill everybody, and morality blurs in the heat. Typifying this ragged area are movies like No Country for Old Men, 3:10 to Yuma, and True Grit. They are uncompromising, bleak, and beautiful.

Hell or High Water is the newest, and perhaps best, of these uniquely wonderful films. On the technical side, it is superlative. The direction is insightful, the cinematography picturesque, the editing seamless, the music is wonderful, and the acting from everyone is heartrendingly real. On the thematic side, the film asks a lot of you: to examine the fragility of life, the bonds of brotherhood, the parameters of justice, even our definition of humanity. What would you do for your family? What would you do for your country? Are those things diametrically opposed, or intrinsically woven together? Do they even matter, or are they all that matter?

But abandoning the pseudo-philosophical for a moment (thank God!), I can honestly say that this is the best movie of 2016. Why? Well, for the reasons I just mentioned. But also because it is engaging, entertaining, and artistically resonant. If you like your heartbreak sprinkled with dark humor, your optimism tinged with ardent reality, then check this one out. You won't be disappointed.