STAR WARS (Episode I): The Phantom Menace - Review

Holy crap. I'm officially doing this, aren't I? In preparation for The Force Awakens this December, I'm re-watching all 6 Star Wars films and reviewing each. Why? I don't really know. Seems like everything's been said about these movies - the good, the bad, the Jar Jar - so why me, too? What's the point? Again: I'm not sure. I just feel compelled. I was 7 when the much-despised Special Editions hit theaters, and my parents took me to see the entire trilogy. Those experiences are some of the best I've ever had in a cinema. They opened my eyes to what movies could be. To this day, the entries of the original trilogy are some of my all-time favorites.

...but we're not here to talk about those. Instead we're talking, (*gulp*), Episode I. Let's dive in.

Right off the bat, I have to be honest with you; my first complaint about this movie doesn't really have anything to do with it. I just hate that the prequels aren't often referred by their actual titles, with everybody instead just saying Episode I, Episode II, and Episode III. We don't call the originals IV, V, and VI, do we? I think during some early pitch meeting, writer/director George Lucas decided that he wanted to put as much distance between the originals and the prequels as possible, and by God, he was gonna start with their names. This always bugged me. Even as a 9-year-old running around at recess playing Jedi, I never understood why every kid called it Episode I. It's The Phantom Menace, right? But I dunno...maybe giving it a formal title is too much of a compliment.

But before wading waist-deep into the nightmarish hellscape of Phantom's mistakes, we should start with what this movie does well. And yes, contrary to popular belief, there are good qualities this "first" entry brings to the table. I'm going to laundry list them below (don't worry - there aren't many)...

The Good:

McGregor as Obi-Wan: Perfect Casting

- Casting Ewan McGregor as a young Ob-Wan Kenobi was a masterstroke. He embodies the character with naturalism and charm, and is an incredibly likable screen presence. Most of the time, I don't even consciously recognize that two different actors played the part (the other, of course, being the eternal Sir Alec Guinness from the originals). Obi-Wan just exists, thanks in large part to this dynamic performance. Great job, Ewan. 
- Overall, the art direction is stunning. All sorts of different planets, from the Romanesque Naboo to the over-the-top Coruscant, spring to life from the screen. This is mostly because of how interesting, varied, and engaging the production is. Which leads directly to my next point...
- Unlike the other two entries in the prequel trilogy, this one isn't entirely bathed in computer-generated effects. Okay, okay, I know there are still a lot, but this one almost works. There's an organic quality to it, something that feels occasionally real. I can't put my finger on it, but it's true. Re-watch and see for yourself. 
- The action sequences are spectacular. The podrace is fun, and the final lightsaber duel is one of my favorites. Good stuff. 
- Lastly, the musical score by John Williams is perhaps the best in the entire Star Wars saga. It runs the gamut from intense, to soothing, to quirky, to heartbreaking. The theme from the third act, dramatically entitled "Duel of the Fates," is iconic.

Unfortunately, all this decency is bogged down by the bad stuff. And yeah, in case you've been living somewhere in the Outer Rim Territories your whole life, you probably know this. I'm going to try and be succinct here, but I can't make any promises. The Phantom Menace has a lot of problems, so get comfortable. We're going to be here a while...

The Bad: 
- When all is said and done, the premise just doesn't work. So, like many fans of the saga, I find myself asking, Why did the story start HERE? Why does Anakin have to be a child? Why is Jar Jar necessary? Why is the Trade Federation even a thing? A lot of this film simply doesn't work because it's fundamentally unnecessary. I've no idea why a 9-year-old Anakin Skywalker had to be the focal point of this movie. Making him "The Chosen One" overstates his importance, thereby undermining the character. He should've been just a regular dude - maybe a hotshot pilot with some atypical Force abilities - who meets Obi-Wan and they go on an adventure together. Maybe they discover a sith lord, and start to see the vague outline of an impending plot to overthrow the Republic. That would've been at least halfway interesting, right? Instead, Lucas opted to make Anakin a Force Jesus who invented C-3PO (yeah...like, what?) and has mommy issues. Yuck.

This blockade is nonsense...

- The plot is just...yikes, just all over the place. There's not a single shred of narrative fluency, meaning it's hard for us to engage. Lucas hurtles us from set piece to set piece, without much grace tying it all together. That being said, the actual story is absurd. So many half-concocted ideas and subplots are thrown around (taxation, trade treaties, civil unrest, political squabbling, war, peace, gambling, and don't forget those damn medichlorians), and it never really amounts to anything accessible. Besides, the whole thing is laughably overwritten. One of the best aspects of the original trilogy was its minimalist story. It allowed us to identify with characters, to marvel at the scenery, and get lost in the fun. Unfortunately in The Phantom Menace, there's little fun to be had. It feels about five hours long, and the only payoff you get is when the credits start rolling and you realize it's finally over.
- There's a stunning lack of art. It feels like Lucas just aimed a bunch of cameras at his actors, and when all was said and done, edited together the most static, uninteresting shots to get his story across. Now I'm not saying every director has to be Terrence Malick, and that every shot has to be a stylistic gimmick; I absolutely understand the effectiveness of a bread-and-butter, bare-bones cinematic style. But here? It's tedious: After a quick establishing shot of some alien landscape, the camera will point directly at someone's face while talking. That's it. If it's an action scene, Lucas spreads his wings a little bit, but never in an interesting way. Was he scared of the camera? Afraid to try anything new? Equally irritating is the editing, which is riddled with some shots that last too long and others not nearly long enough. It makes for a choppy, herky-jerky viewing experience.

This is one of the crappiest scenes in movie history.

- There are some truly terrible performances here. The talented Natalie Portman bounces between pouty and wooden with no range in the middle (and what's up with that weird Queen voice of hers?). Samuel L. Jackson, one of the most awesome actors ever, just sits around in robes with the same irritated expression plastered to his face. Yet it's child actor Jake Lloyd's portrayal of Anakin that is Phantom's biggest sin. The kid can't act. At all. His scenes have all the authenticity of an elementary school play, with paper-thin vocal inflections and a lack of nuance about as gaping as a sarlacc pit. Every "Yippee!" or "Oops!" makes me want to jam a fork in my eye. Worst of all is his introductory spiel about angels, which sets my teeth on edge. It's awful.
- Lastly, a whole lot of little problems add up. There are so many gaps in logic, so many bizarre incidents and characters and quirks, that the movie buckles under the weight of its own idiocy. Why does the Trade Federation think that forcing someone to sign a treaty is legal? How could the planet core of Naboo be made of water? How could a ship's shield generator be hit if it was generating a shield? Why would the Naboo people, living on such a lush planet, be dying only a few days into a minor blockade? If Qui-Gon didn't want to attract attention on Tatooine, why let the buffoonish Jar Jar tag along? Speaking of Qui-Gon, why doesn't he just steal the part he needs, instead opting to endanger the life of a child by entering him in a risky podrace? Why doesn't anyone in the Galactic Senate believe that there's an illegal invasion happening on Naboo? And then why do they go back? And why doesn't the blockade stop them when they try? It's just all so...flipping...IRRITATING.

...okay...I'm starting to feel better again. In case you haven't gotten my drift, I think The Phantom Menace is a pretty bad movie. Is it unwatchable? No. Not if you are a forgiving moviegoer, someone who enjoys a bit of razzle-dazzle eye candy with a penchant for hard sci-fi. And I have to say, as a kid, I absolutely adored this movie. But now? Not even childhood nostalgia can save it. It's an overwritten, intermittently boring, poorly bloated summer blockbuster. I wish it could be banished to a galaxy far, far away... FINAL GRADE: D+