STAR WARS (Episode II): Attack of the Clones - Review

I hate to say it, but it's true: I've got a bad feeling about this...

1999 was a terrible year for most Star Wars fans. After decades of restlessness, during which infinite speculation and delirious hype dominated their fandom, the people were finally given The Phantom Menace. Although it raked in tons of cash and satisfied the younglings, it was an unparalleled disaster. It was as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. There was confusion. Bemused anger. And there was shame...a deep, embarrassing burn that would linger for years. Everyone was excited for that? How pathetic. So public declarations were made - vows proclaimed in basements and bars and websites: Never would they be burned again. Star Wars was a thing of the past. Used to be great, now it isn't. Sad, but true. Time to move on.

But secretly, fans hoped for things to change. Phantom was bad, but everyone knew that, right? Not just the critics, but studio execs, too. Maybe even George Lucas. After all, he was in charge. He could set things right again. For fans, Episode I was not their last hope. There was another...

And for this reason, I personally believe that Episode II: Attack of the Clones is the worst entry in the Star Wars saga. I'm not the first to say this (and I surely won't be the last), but Clones should've known better. Phantom's fall from grace should have ensured its sequel's perfection. It was time to study past mistakes and move forward. How could Lucas screw things up twice?

But he did. They all did.

So I'm going to take a flying leap into the garbage chute and review this thing. Again, before discussing the negatives, I'll analyze the positives. They are few, but mighty...

The Good:
- Many of the good aspects from The Phantom Menace carry over. Most of the action is terrific (particularly Obi-Wan's brawl with Jango Fett and the lightsaber-choked finale on Geonosis), the art direction is spectacular, Ewan's great, the creature design is fascinating, and that John Williams score is absolutely breathtaking (the main theme, "Across the Stars," is a sweeping, melancholic anthem). 
- Christopher Lee is always amazing. Anything graced by his presence is automatically cool. Thankfully, Lee takes the shallow role and manages to do something interesting with it. Every word he says is laced with condescension, with a deep-rooted irritation that speaks volumes about the character. Even his lightsaber, with that esoteric curve, is cool.

Obi-Wan and his informant in a space-opera diner.

- Obi-Wan's storyline kinda plays like an homage to old mystery movies. Attempted murder, intrigue, traitors, and even a crappy old diner where an informant operates in secrecy...cool, right? It doesn't come across too well, but I think the attempt was admirable.
- The pieces almost come together, and it could've been awesome. It's hard to explain, but the vibe of this movie was only off by inches. I think I can see what Lucas was going for, and if he would've succeeded, Clones might have worked. This is probably best illustrated by two of the movie's pivotal settings: the planets Kamino and Geonosis. One is the rain-soaked cloner capital, while the other is home to droid factories. Both locations are gearing up for war, but as viewers, we don't know why. This isn't quite dramatic irony, but it's nonetheless intriguing. In the end, the products of both planets (clones vs. droids) do battle, and we're given a dollop of narrative finality. We saw the build-up, and now we're seeing the payoff. It's not done gracefully (sometimes not even interestingly), but there's a refreshing sense of purpose. Unlike its predecessor, Clones actually does something. It goes places. It shows us things. It almost works.

With all that out of the way, let's dig our paws into the muck of Attack of the Clones. There are all sorts of problems with this one, so I hope you have your reading glasses...

The Bad:
- Many of the bad aspects from The Phantom Menace carry over. It's overwritten, poorly edited, stale, emotionally flat, badly acted (the kid who plays Boba Fett is magnificently awful), and is host to a never-ending supply of stupidity...Why does the galaxy's best assassin hire another assassin to kill someone? Instead of shooting her, why does the second assassin try to kill Padme with worms? Why do the Jedi think Padme's home planet of Naboo would keep her safe? Why would they send the emotionally unstable, reckless Anakin to protect her? Upon reaching Naboo, why didn't they hide? Why don't Yoda and Mace Windu ever do anything? Worst of all: Why didn't Anakin save his mother YEARS ago? Seriously - slavery is illegal, Anakin's a badass Jedi who can legally set her free, and yet in the ten years since Phantom Menace, he hasn't gone back to save her? Hasn't even checked on her? It's hard for me to wrap my brain around a character so clearly obsessed with his mother deciding to let her toil in the hot Tatooine sun for a decade when he could've put a stop to it. The idiocy is stunning.
- GOOD GOD, THE DIALOGUE IS TERRIBLE. I'm not going to say anything else about this. Just watch it and you'll understand. Trust me.

I don't have an opinion about this fight. But the effects suck.

- For the first time in a Star Wars film, the special effects suck. To be honest, even as a twelve-year-old sitting in the theater, I thought they looked bad. Apart from a few well-done sequences (the asteroid-field chase, the attempted execution on Geonosis), everything looks pixely and shallow. Even worse? These effects have not aged well. The whole thing looks like a cut scene from a PS3 game. This is mainly because...
- It's drowning in CGI. It's just awful. I'm not sure a single scene - nay, a single shot - goes by without some kind of hokey digital effect. Everything looks glossy on top, with that pixely grit underneath. Even most of the sets were done on computer. Actors walk through hallways that appear barely there, talk to cartoon characters without an ounce of weight or gravity or depth. And why are ALL the clone troopers CG? Yes, not a single suited clone trooper was portrayed by a human being. And there are hundreds of them. This lack of authenticity makes it practically impossible to suspend your disbelief. Which means you can't engage with the story. It's atrocious.

Anakin + Padme = Cinematic Poison

- The love story is a complete joke. Again, I don't want to write too much about this one. If you watch the movie, it'll click. But basically, our two central protagonists fall in love for no reason. It's jagged, poorly-executed, and completely lacking in realism. Even worse, actors Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman have zero chemistry together. Zip. Zilch.
- George Lucas basically ruins the Jedi. This is my biggest complaint of all. In this movie, Lucas transforms the Jedi from noble adventurers to asexual monks. Why can't Jedi love? Who knows. It's never explained. Lucas wanted a tragic love story, but didn't know how to write it. So he devised the simplest way to make it happen - the Jedi are forbidden to love, but Anakin falls in love anyway, badda bing, badda boom, it's done. The result? Now whenever I think of Jedi, I don't think of gallantry. I just picture that yawning Jedi Council chamber, where cartoon aliens and Sam Jackson sit around all day refusing to love or even do anything. Instead of Luke Skywalker saving the damsel and destroying the Empire, we get Obi-Wan chastising Anakin for his feelings. Yuck.

When the credits start scrolling and that glorious theme starts blasting from your speakers, you'll realize the last two and a half hours of your life are gone. Wasted. A headache will crackle between your eyes, a soreness aches in your back. Why did you just sit through that mess? Did you pay for it? God, I hope not. Did you enjoy it? Only so much as a curious onlooker enjoys the tragic metal heap of a car accident. Attack of the Clones is beyond disappointing. It's horrific. Final Grade: D